Choose a band / artist and answer ONLY in the titles of their songs: Jackson Browne

1. Are you male or female:

Our Lady of the Well

2. Describe Yourself:

I’m the Cat

3. How do some people feel about you:

Late for the Sky

4. How do you feel about yourself:

A Child in these Hills

5. Describe your ex boyfriend / girlfriend:

The Pretender

6. Describe current boyfriend / girlfriend:

Of Missing Persons

7. Describe where you want to be:

World in Motion

10. Describe what you want to be:

The Fuse

11. Describe how you live:

Sing My Songs to Me

12. Describe how you love:

Running on Empty

13. What would you ask for if you had just one wish:

That Girl Could Sing

14. Share a few words of wisdom:

Anything Can Happen

15. Now say goodbye:My Opening Farewell

Why my mom isn't a lesbian

So last week I used whole gift for Cameron saga as a catalyst to discuss my gay status with my mother.

After the emotional event of seeing cam to give her the gift (during which I almost got hit by a car because I did the tragic movie thing and looked back to see if she was looking at me- she was- when I was almost done crossing the street). I decided to call my mother and finally say out loud to her who cam was, why she shouldn't send gifts or call cam when my cell is dead/lost (that reminds me I need to send her some friend's cell phone numbers) , and why I gave cam the gift anyway.

It was a good and productive conversation and the first time my mom and I actually talked about me and the gayness. I cried a little and she listened and added to the conversation. It was the first time she was able to hear how much my relationship with Cameron (or any woman) meant to me. I think this was a very important hurdle for us, and she even managed to be kind of supportive.

So you are probably curious about the title of this post. During our conversation my mom told me that a friend of hers said something to her about how lesbians break-up badly because both the people in the relationship are women which makes them emotional (I know I could comment about that statement but I'm not going to). I responded by saying the break-ups are also hard because you lose the person you are dating and your best friend. Now, other straight people that I have said this to have argued that their significant other became their best friend too. But not my mother, her response was, "I can't even imagine, my girl friends have always been so important to me- that would be enough to keep me from doing it (dating women)".

Sometimes my mom makes me laugh and sometimes I wonder about her. I should have responded by saying, "Well, that's because you are not gay." That probably would have been going a bit too far- not sure. When she first said it I felt defensive, like she was attacking me a bit, which is what let me to that potential response. Then I thought about it some more and I noticed that again, as in the past, she was using an argument that shows that at some point she may have had the potential to date women but went the other way. Maybe one day in the distant future I'll be able to have that conversation with my mom. Or maybe I won't and I'll be left with my ability to read "queerness" between the lines...

Some random topics

I found this picture of Audrey Hepburn the other day:

Doesn't she look like a big lesbo? Like she belongs on The L Word? No offense of course, I love Audrey and fully realize that she is too good for lesbian soap opera- now Queer as Folk is a different story (yes i much prefer QAF, yes you can get into a fight with me about it). Anyway, it makes me happy to think of Audrey as a big homo :).

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I spent 3 hours of work yesterday shoe shopping. I bought a pair of black heeled lace-up boots, a pair of nice dark brown, suede wedge work shoes, and a pair of flat extremely comfy mary-janeish work shoes...ALL for under $100. Sales make me giddy! The day before that I bought a pair of work pants and new sunglasses and last week I bought 2 hats, gloves, and a scarf. These were all bought out of necessity but I think I really need to stop or I am going to become addicted!

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Finally, Sorry about the anger in my last post. I'm still in detox you know, and sometimes I lash out...

My own worst enemy

Cameron is my ex-girlfriend. We only dated for a year, but I loved her the first moment I saw her. That year was really rough on me because she was still in love with her ex the whole time. And her ex wanted very badly to be back together with her. Sometimes things were great (usually the periods of time that her ex had gotten fed up and stopped talking with her). Sometimes she would make up excuses to sleep over at her place and act like I was being unreasonable when I was sad. I few times I caught her telling her ex that the two of us weren't "really" together- even though she was talking with me about us possibly living together.

I tried breaking up with her more than once. It just never stuck, somehow I always found a way to justify getting back together with her. In the end she broke up with me, and this is the line she used: "There is no point in us continuing our relationship until I find out if I still love Kali. I need to find out if I was just making it (the love she had for her) all up." Clearly this break-up line was meant to keep me stringing along, waiting for the day when she would realize that I was what she really wanted. And idiot that I am I continued to "accidentally" have sex with her after she was back with her ex. It would happened and then one of us would decide it was a big mistake and then we would go a while without really seeing each other and then it would happen again. This went on until the end of December.

Then on January the 1st as part of my New Year's resolution I told her we needed to stop talking and seeing each other. Despite everything this was a terribly hard decision to come to. I have had some relapses- called her or e-mailed her for dumb reasons but for the most part I have done well and I have been happier because of this.

THEN, my mother sent a very late Christmas present for Cam. I called her on Monday to let her know and to ask when I could bring it over. She called me back today during work so we could decide when would be a good time. To her credit she purposely called me on my cell (and not my work phone) with the idea that I would not answer, but I did. Somehow we got into a small argument and after calming down she was able to tell me that it was just hard on her to never be able to see me. I said I was sorry and she said she understood and we hung up and I continued softly crying (because I had already started)...

Sometimes I feel like I am doing so well, and I am so happy and comfortable with where I am. And then sometimes everything comes tumbling down on top of me. I start questioning everything. I question myself and what I am doing. I question my friends and whether or not they actually truly care about me, and if they even have an "obligation" to. And then I question how much I care about my friends and others and if I am even a good friend.

How is she still doing this to me? When will she stop making me fall apart? And when will I actually stop wanting to be with her and accept that she was not good for me, and that I am much better off without her? That there is a reason that everything was so bad and that we were not meant to be and we never will be. When will I actually believe all these things that I tell myself and actually fully move on from her? Will that ever happen? I don't want "someone else" to help me forget. I want to remember but I want to move on, on my own! UGH!!!!

Adventures in Grown-up Land

Sometimes I have to be a grown-up and it is difficult.

For example, I have begun cooking for myself for the first time. This in of itself is difficult- sometimes I don't eat until 10 pm because I am cooking for hours! Anyway, I have found that there are some things about food that I was not blessed with an innate knowledge of. Earlier in the year I tried freezing my produce to ensure its long life- instead I killed it in one night. Last week a recipe I was making called for the use of a bay leaf. I thought it was odd that it just said "add one Bay Leaf" and not "crumple up the bay leaf"....so that is what I did. I took out a bay leaf and crumpled it into little pieces and put it in my pasta- I assumed it would get soft with the sauce. Fast forward 3 steps and the recipe says "remove bay leaf and serve"..."Shit!" I can't remove the Bay Leaf, it is in tiny little pieces.

So here I am, three days later, eating my pasta for lunch and chewing every bit thoroughly so I can find those nasty bay leaf bits and spit them out before they scratch my throat!

Sabbatical

I know what you're thinking. "Why is this girl so irregular with her posting?" I know, I know, I'm working on it, but the last couple of weeks have been kinda crazy. I have spent a number of days out of the office doing regional work. Sounds exciting doesn't it? I have enter names and shredding files- do you know what it is like to shred for four straight hours??? And when I have been in the office I have been working on a masterpiece: "Lost Park".

A while ago my mother sent me a picture file of "Lost Park" that someone had sent to her. Lost Park is the characters from "Lost" as "South Park" characters. I was unimpressed with the job this guy had done so I found the build a South Park character website and started working on my own creation.

I was not actually planning on putting it on my Blog but I recently found out that Linds and Lei (two of my most loyal readers) are also Lost fans. So here it is for your viewing pleasure:

(It is much bigger, clearer and more detailed in reality- this is the biggest I could get it on here. If you want the full sized version let me know and I'll e-mail it to you)

Comments and suggestions are encouraged ;)