What's the BBC?

Hello loyal readers, I'm back!

First, a note to my regulars:

Sorry I have been gone for so long, my mother was right, I was using myspace instead of "imparting liberal wisdom". Thank you for enjoying my blog enough to bug me to bring it back, makes me feel special.

A note about grad school apps:

I found out they are not due until Jan. 8th. I am currently working on my statement of purpose. But I did a lot of writing at the laundromat last night, and I will be at work for like 4.5 more hours because my downtown engagement does not start until 8 pm and I am too lazy to go home and come back. So, I will do more work then. Claire, I am applying to UCLA, it is the only place I want to go...will you be able to deal with me being so close?

Now, onto the post...I'll restate the title incase you forgot: "What's the BBC?"

The past two Falls have taught me that flag football season is my busy season- it is pretty much the only time of year when I get any action, and I usually get my fill for the rest of the year (the "dry season").

I was just starting to make "A map of my life" part Duex and actually post it on here because unlike last year this one only involves kissing- no sex, and kissing is innocent and can't hurt feelings, right? I thought better, so again, if you want to see it, ask in a comment and I'll send it to ya, err, maybe I'll put a blog e-mail over in that side panel thing, if I can figure that out I'll do it.

So this "season" I made-out with no less than four women. Of those four women, three were actually interested in me, and of the four I was/am actually interested in two. To me this is a lot of people, to the cast of Sex and the City it is probably a small enough number to cause panic, but I am not in my thirties yet (I'm not sure if that actually meant anything).

More general stats about the four women:

• I did more than making out with one of them
• One of them slept in my bed....twice
• I went to three of thier apartments
• I made out with two of them in bathrooms...one of them involved multiple kisses and being locked in a stall
• I went on one full-on date, which involved me answering my door in a towel (maybe I'll explain that later), being driven to the restaurant, and letting her pay for the meal
• Two of them played in the Boston Women's Flag Football League
• Three of them were my age (graduated college in 2004 or at least should have graduated in oh-four, but took an extra year)
• One is turning thirty next saturday
• I communicated with all of them via text message
• So far I have hung out in a datish sort of way four times with three of them

Haha, that last bullet was hard to word, and seriously it is because the lesbian dating scene is really odd, especially when it involves people around my age, I'm twenty-four in case you didn't know. I have been out on actual dates with two women in the past year, one was twenty-six (I think) and one is thirty. So what about the three women around my age? How do you define what I did with them? Well, one of them I just hooked up with, plain and simple...actually, not that simple, I may explain that more fully in a bit. The other two? Well...we "hung out"/ are "hanging out". I'm serious, that is the term everyone throws around. I used this term when trying to describe my love life to Cameron (my ex) and she made fun of me. But really, there is no other way to define it.

Hanging out:

We're not dating because we're not going out on actual dates, not really. We just text each other, and request each other on myspace and send flirty messages and e-mails back and fourth and then every now and then we get a chance to "hang out". Hanging out includes but is not limited to: meeting at a bar to watch a sporting event, meeting at an apartment to watch a sporting event or movie, meeting up at a club, attending a party together, meeting up with friends for a drink, making out in bathrooms and cars.

Rules to keep in mind while hanging out:

It's not really serious, so don't get your hopes up and try not to let her get her hopes up. It is safe to assume that the person you are hanging out with is also hanging out with other people, I mean, hey, you are too, right? Text messaging is a lot like IMing used to be, it's just the way people who are hanging out should communitcate and just because a person text messages you a lot does not mean that she is very interested. If you become uninterested in someone or if someone becomes uninterested in you, all you/ they have to do is sloooow down the texting. You pretty much stop texting them altogether and when they text you, you just send short responses that elicit no return response from them. I'm currently texting and semi-hanging out with girl number four of the season and I think I have figured out the game now. You just have to stay mellow, not too interested but not uninterested, just somewhere in-between, go with the flow.

The hard part of it all is what comes after one of you realizes that you're not really interested. Along the way with all of this "hanging out" you have probably gotten to really like them (whether or not that's in a romantic way) and thier friends. How do you get to a place where you can establish that it is cool that you're not "hanging out" anymore, but that you'd still like to be in thier life, as a friend, because you enjoy spending time with them and thier friends? It must be possible to do that without actually saying it and thus making things awkward. I'm still trying to figure this out with pretty much all of the girls, except for the one I actually hooked up with, I think she may be avoiding me altogether, which I have decided is another story for another day.

So what does the title have to do with anything? What's that you say? You've been reading for a long time now and still don't see what any of this has to do with the BBC? It's a story, a related story. It goes a little something like this:

Text from Girl Number Three: Hey, what are you up to tonight?

Response from Me: Not sure, I've been invited to do a couple of things, I'm still trying to decide which I'm going to. What are you up to? (note that the responder is making an effort to show that she is unavailable for "hanging out" this evening and is making no effort to include the texter in her evening plans)

TG#3: It's my mom's birthday so I am spending time with her, then I think I just want to relax and stay in and watch a movie.

RM: Cool. Oh hey, I found another good lesbian movie, Tipping the Velvet, well it's actually a BBC miniseries but it is rentable, you should check it out. (note again that the responder has not accepted the bait offered by the texter and has made no indication that she may like to ditch her plans in order to join the texter in these new plans)

TG#3: Do you want to watch a movie with me? (Responder's jaw drops when recieving this message. How could she have not picked up on the very well put hints that I would NOT be interested in joining her tonight?)

RM: (I did not have time to respond before the next text came through)

TG#3: What's BBC? (This text plays over and over in the responder's mind. Each time she utters the phrase with more and more wonder and amazement at the question...she fully realizes this makes her a snob)

RM: No, sorry, I already have too many plans tonight. British Broadcasting Coorporation. (note that the responder was careful not to add in, but I'm available....or we should do it some other time....or even maybe some other time.)

TG#3: Ok. (at this point the responder's notes that the texter made no mention of having already known what BBC meant).

.End scene.

My friends and I discussed this, and it was decided there are just some lines, some things, that you  cannot accept unless you are very interested and invested. Not having any knowledge what-so-ever of the BBC, that is just one of my lines. So now it is a catch phrase to be added to "making copies" (making out), and "the drain is clogged" (that guy (person) is hot). Here is how is works:

"Eh, I don't know if it's gonna work out. 'She asked what the BBC was.'" (of course the listener will know that she didn't actually ask what the BBC was but that she revield that she is unaware of or uninterested in something that is vitally important to you, or that you simply expect someone who you would be interested in to be knowledgable of).

It works the other way too, this is an actual quote (I haven't gotten a chance to use it in the above way yet, but you better believe I will as soon as I get a chance):

"Yeah, I'm not sure what happened. We hung out the other night, I thought it was fine, nothing wonderful, but not bad either. But, she has slowed down a lot on the texting and e-mailing. I think 'I must have asked what the BBC was'. I don't know when or how I asked it, but I must have."

That was a really long post! Am I forgiven?

Lessons in Dating

1. Don't count your chickens before they've hatched

2. Listen to your instincts, if you get the feeling they're not too interested you're probably right.

3. Don't broadcast dates because you're just gonna have to tell all those people when it ends.

4. Don't be serious before it's serious- just have fun.

5. Don't convince yourself you like someone just because you are excited about the prospect of dating.

*******************

These are all good things to learn since as said before I have very little experience with dating.

Mike, I know you're shaking your head right now- clearly I have a lot more to learn from you.

Happy Evacuation Day

You though I was gonna say St. Patrick's day didn't you. What is Evacuation Day you ask. It is a holiday that government employees and schools get off in the city of Boston (no where else)- it is the day the British left the city of Boston in order to attack other cities. It had something to do with an artillary that was placed to face the city- thus intimidating the British to leave- we didn't even beat them in a battle or anything. The British "evacuated" the city on March 26th, 1776, but the city of Boston celebrates the holiday on March 17th. Hmmmm... funny that a city with tons of Irish pride and a basketball team called the celtics decided to celebrate a historic event 9 days early on St. Patricks day.

Anyway, due to this false holiday I can update about my dates with Vicky.

Here is my update:

I LIKE VICKY! And last night we danced all night and then I kissed her, and then she drove me home and then she kissed me. Yay!

And I am going to a Mutiny (her football team) fundraiser on Sunday and I am nervous cause all her football friends will be there.

I feel like a little girl. It's great!

(I can't spell check this and I am a terrible speller, c'est la vie)

First dates are so gay...

****I started writing this entry on Monday...oops, took a while to finish it!***

Due to Claire's extreme enthusiasm and the lack of more than one vote/ title and the fact that this topic is filling my brain to capacity right now- it wins.

Sooo, if you know me, you know that I refrain from using "gay" as an insult or a term reflecting negativity. You may wonder then why I chose this title and what it refers to. Well, I'll tell you. I am gay, and I just went on a first date. And first dates are very much not gay. What I mean is that the last actual first date I went on was in 2003 with Jess.

This is Jess, she will probably hate that I put this picture of her up here, but it is the only digital picture I have from when we were dating. Jess and I dated for 4 months, and I pretty much lived with her and her two cats the whole time (despite the fact that I am allergic- sometimes I'm crazy!)

Anyway, our "first date" went something like this: We met at a party and we were both interested in each other, at the end of the night Jess asked me for my AIM screen name. Then the next day she IMed me and asked if I wanted to go play pool with her in the Student Center. Not what you would think of as a typical first date, more like two people who might be interested in each other "hanging out". So for my most recent typical first date we have to go allll the way back to the fall of 2001 and a girl named Kirkley.

This is Kirkley.

Now, to be fair, this is Kirkley on her way to Drag Ball senior year (yes, Drag Ball- I went to a women's college, what do you expect?). Kirkley is actually the most "feminine" woman I have ever dated (meaning that we went out on dates, err, a date), and has since gone back to the dark side of dating men. I just enjoy this picture.

Anyway, Kirkley was my first girl crush, and everyone knew that we were interested in each other and everyone was talking about it except for us. So one day she came up to me after class and said, "Everyone is talking about us. We should go to coffee and talk to each other." I of course eeked out a nervous "yes" and was very excited about my date. What I didn't realize was just how much of a date it was.

On my way to meet her my friend Suzy informed me that she had borrowed a cashmere sweater and an expensive sports car from her friend, and that rather than getting coffee as originally planned we were now going out to dinner (or desert or something- I think it was after dinner, but still!).

Kirkley and I had a weird relationship after that 1st date, but the date was one of my best ever. We talked so much that the waitress had to come by multiple times to ask us for our orders and then she left a massive tip which I thought was very cute. At the end of the night she walked me to my dorm and gave me a hug, then I bolted upstairs to gush to my friend Minelly.

So, the point of this quaint trip down memory lane was to highlight that it has been almost 5 years since I have been on a typical first date, and that even then I didn't know it was a first date until like 5 minutes before it started- thus there was no time to stress. In those 5 years I have dated 4 women and with the exception of Jess none of those relationships started with a first date.

Meet Vicky:

(Not her usual dress, she bet against the Steelers and lost)

Vicky and I met a couple of weeks ago and she promptly asked me out. Thus beginning my first date pondering and stress. After she asked me out she was diagnosed with two inner ear infections- so on Monday we went to lunch together. It really wasn't very datey since we both had to get back to work and she was sick.

So, a couple of days ago I e-mail asked her to a movie tonight. As I type she is on her way to pick me up at work and we are going to go see Failure to Launch. So here are my questions (which clearly no one is going to answer in time since she will be here in minutes- but oh well):

• Should there be a kiss and how will it be initiated?
• Should I invite her "up" and how do I do that and does that imply that I want to have sex
• I have more questions but my mind is too muddled to think of them....
  
  Okay...now I have to spell check and then I'm off....wish me luck :)

My own worst enemy

Cameron is my ex-girlfriend. We only dated for a year, but I loved her the first moment I saw her. That year was really rough on me because she was still in love with her ex the whole time. And her ex wanted very badly to be back together with her. Sometimes things were great (usually the periods of time that her ex had gotten fed up and stopped talking with her). Sometimes she would make up excuses to sleep over at her place and act like I was being unreasonable when I was sad. I few times I caught her telling her ex that the two of us weren't "really" together- even though she was talking with me about us possibly living together.

I tried breaking up with her more than once. It just never stuck, somehow I always found a way to justify getting back together with her. In the end she broke up with me, and this is the line she used: "There is no point in us continuing our relationship until I find out if I still love Kali. I need to find out if I was just making it (the love she had for her) all up." Clearly this break-up line was meant to keep me stringing along, waiting for the day when she would realize that I was what she really wanted. And idiot that I am I continued to "accidentally" have sex with her after she was back with her ex. It would happened and then one of us would decide it was a big mistake and then we would go a while without really seeing each other and then it would happen again. This went on until the end of December.

Then on January the 1st as part of my New Year's resolution I told her we needed to stop talking and seeing each other. Despite everything this was a terribly hard decision to come to. I have had some relapses- called her or e-mailed her for dumb reasons but for the most part I have done well and I have been happier because of this.

THEN, my mother sent a very late Christmas present for Cam. I called her on Monday to let her know and to ask when I could bring it over. She called me back today during work so we could decide when would be a good time. To her credit she purposely called me on my cell (and not my work phone) with the idea that I would not answer, but I did. Somehow we got into a small argument and after calming down she was able to tell me that it was just hard on her to never be able to see me. I said I was sorry and she said she understood and we hung up and I continued softly crying (because I had already started)...

Sometimes I feel like I am doing so well, and I am so happy and comfortable with where I am. And then sometimes everything comes tumbling down on top of me. I start questioning everything. I question myself and what I am doing. I question my friends and whether or not they actually truly care about me, and if they even have an "obligation" to. And then I question how much I care about my friends and others and if I am even a good friend.

How is she still doing this to me? When will she stop making me fall apart? And when will I actually stop wanting to be with her and accept that she was not good for me, and that I am much better off without her? That there is a reason that everything was so bad and that we were not meant to be and we never will be. When will I actually believe all these things that I tell myself and actually fully move on from her? Will that ever happen? I don't want "someone else" to help me forget. I want to remember but I want to move on, on my own! UGH!!!!

The Lesbian Drama Scene

You might have noticed that I have been M.I.A for a while, or if I did update it was very boring. That is because I have been fully sucked into the lesbian drama scene in Boston, and trust me, there is SO much drama.

Last week I made a chart for my girlfriends from high school to help keep them abreast of my life (just the previous two weeks) it is so complicated that I felt they needed an actual map to help them keep up. If you would like to see said map, shoot me an e-mail at hyperextendedjoints@yahoo.com (side note: I just made that account and somehow I accidentally set the language as Spanish- I am definitely leaving it)...

Drama: I have come to learn that a circle of lesbian friends is a breeding ground for drama, the reason for this is obvious to me, but maybe it is not for you. When you're a lesbian (I use that word more and more lately, even though I usually refer to myself as gay) there is a great chance that your group of buddies includes people that you are interested in dating or are possibly interested in dating you. Because of this, tons of drama ensues. In lesbian relationships there are no boundaries like there are in straight relationships. Generally if a man and woman are friends people always assume there might be something there:

"Harry Burns: no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story." (When Harry Met Sally, Act I, scene 5)

(I just treated that like a supporting quote in a research paper...sometimes I think im witty...but not really) So, I don't know about the whole unable to be friends thing, but, there is certainly always that sexual element there. With lesbians that is the case with all their relationships, and by that line of reasoning lesbians can only really be friends with gay men. Now with my friends from college there are pretty set boundaries that everyone pretty much understands. But on my football team, we're all just getting to know each other, so it is basically a free for all and drama abounds.

The whole friends and lovers are one and the same thing also complicates the lesbian break-up a lot. When lesbians break up they loose so much, because it is inevitable that your partner has become your best friend. I know this happens with men and women too and I try not to speculate about things I do not have experience with, but I generally think it is more severe in the lesbian relationship.

This is another hurdle I am in the process of dealing with, how to become just friends with my ex... (Because she became my bestfriend and when we broke up I didn't really know what to do with myself for a while.) We talk a lot, she calls me every morning, but have we become friends? Not sure. Will I always hurt a little when I think of us and what happened during our year together? Will her current (who she cheated on with me) ever be able to accept our friendship? If I can ever spend time with the two of them, will it hurt me? I am hopeful that things will work out in the end...I'll keep you posted.


(I am not sure how good this post was...might have been hard to follow...I think my head has just been so full of all this drama that I have a hard time focusing on anything else)

The Lesbian Drama Crew

Friends with benefits?

Are friends with benefits ever really friends? Can you really go back to seeing someone as a friend after you have had sex with them, after you have become privy to information that only a select group of people know.

How can you look at them without thinking about what they look or feel like naked? Or talk with them without thinking about the noises they made?

What do you think? Can you go back to being friends after having sex?

(yes I do realize that last sentence sounded like a poor excuse for the end of a "sex and the city" column)

Girls

I need to relax...if you see me tell me to get a grip!

"He's cute!" "Yeah, I've got dibs!"

When I was in High School my best friend Meghan used to do that ALL THE TIME. By that I mean, we would meet some guy, we would both think he was cute, and she would tell me that she had dibs on him and that I couldn't try to take him. The point of this post is not to be hard on her- I have long since gotten over what I once considered ridiculous selfishness, not to mention the fact that I used her "dib calling" to justify kissing one of the boys she was dating after having called dibs. I was reminded of this past scenario when I found out I am interested in the same girl as a friend of mine.

Yesterday as my friend Newt and I were leaving football practice (yes, I play flag football) she mentioned that one of our teammates was cute. I agreed with her, then she agreed with herself, then I saw her agree and rose with a "she's very cute", and just for good measure I looked back in her direction. So, although no one called dibs, I find myself in a very similar situation as those from high school. What happens when friends like the same person? If either one of us ends up dating her will it be weird?

...it probably doesn't matter, she probably out of our leagues anyway.