Wednesday, February 15, 2006

My own worst enemy

Cameron is my ex-girlfriend. We only dated for a year, but I loved her the first moment I saw her. That year was really rough on me because she was still in love with her ex the whole time. And her ex wanted very badly to be back together with her. Sometimes things were great (usually the periods of time that her ex had gotten fed up and stopped talking with her). Sometimes she would make up excuses to sleep over at her place and act like I was being unreasonable when I was sad. I few times I caught her telling her ex that the two of us weren't "really" together- even though she was talking with me about us possibly living together.

I tried breaking up with her more than once. It just never stuck, somehow I always found a way to justify getting back together with her. In the end she broke up with me, and this is the line she used: "There is no point in us continuing our relationship until I find out if I still love Kali. I need to find out if I was just making it (the love she had for her) all up." Clearly this break-up line was meant to keep me stringing along, waiting for the day when she would realize that I was what she really wanted. And idiot that I am I continued to "accidentally" have sex with her after she was back with her ex. It would happened and then one of us would decide it was a big mistake and then we would go a while without really seeing each other and then it would happen again. This went on until the end of December.

Then on January the 1st as part of my New Year's resolution I told her we needed to stop talking and seeing each other. Despite everything this was a terribly hard decision to come to. I have had some relapses- called her or e-mailed her for dumb reasons but for the most part I have done well and I have been happier because of this.

THEN, my mother sent a very late Christmas present for Cam. I called her on Monday to let her know and to ask when I could bring it over. She called me back today during work so we could decide when would be a good time. To her credit she purposely called me on my cell (and not my work phone) with the idea that I would not answer, but I did. Somehow we got into a small argument and after calming down she was able to tell me that it was just hard on her to never be able to see me. I said I was sorry and she said she understood and we hung up and I continued softly crying (because I had already started)...

Sometimes I feel like I am doing so well, and I am so happy and comfortable with where I am. And then sometimes everything comes tumbling down on top of me. I start questioning everything. I question myself and what I am doing. I question my friends and whether or not they actually truly care about me, and if they even have an "obligation" to. And then I question how much I care about my friends and others and if I am even a good friend.

How is she still doing this to me? When will she stop making me fall apart? And when will I actually stop wanting to be with her and accept that she was not good for me, and that I am much better off without her? That there is a reason that everything was so bad and that we were not meant to be and we never will be. When will I actually believe all these things that I tell myself and actually fully move on from her? Will that ever happen? I don't want "someone else" to help me forget. I want to remember but I want to move on, on my own!

1 comment:

Carol said...

Hello Melanie, I hope everything is getting better. Alguien a quien adoro dice "hay que ser hombre para olvidar a una mujer" pero como consuelo añade "si no hay otra igual" y sigue... "flaca no me calves tus puñales que los males del amor me duelen más..." Jaja, lo siento, casi te pongo toda la cancion...

You dont have to break the bay leaf up, I meant separate it, move it apart...if you'd break it you'll be in the same point, dont you think? The bay leaf has to stay so the food takes the good flavour.

Hasta la proxima, besos.