If anyone at work didn't realize I was gay they sure do now!

Cracked out and sad that less than 11 hours later I am back at work I put in my headphones and turned on some of the fine slam poetry of Kit Yan. First poem up- Straight Girls. It wasn't quite loud enough for me so I turned it up all the way. After about 3 minutes I realized that the reason it hadn't been loud enough for me was that the sound was not coming through my headphones. Yes, oh yes, I had plugged to headphones into the mic hole and had blasted Kit's anger over being jerked around by straight girls for all of the office to hear!

I am a genius!

I'm never leaving my cubicle again.

Here are the words that were blasted for all to hear in case you are interested:


Straight girls,
Like to date girls.
And then they go back,
To their boyfriends,
Who don't want them,
And then they go back.

Straight girls,
Like to make girls think they'll love them until the end.
And then they've got the nerve to say, "What? we're just friends."
And I hate that.

I hate girls.
I sound like a second grader.
But there's no better way to truly convey what I feel.
I hate girls.

I hate them because they lie.
And you know those shits that say, "boys lie."
Yeah well,
A better shirt would say, "boys lie, but girls lie to your fucking face and lead you on in an unexplainable way, and then leave you there with so many questions, you wonder if you're still gay!"

Okay, I got carried away.
But it's true.
Girls will fuck with you.
Feed you compliments,
Wear unforgettable scents,
Have deep, meaningful, and intense conversations with you,
Until the cows go home with them on their backs.

Ugh.
I fucking hate girls.
Because they do nice things.
Little things meaningful things.
And if I were a guy, I might not notice at all.
But there's the fucking problem.
I'm a girl.
But I hate girls,
Because I understand the bullshit they file away.
To feed the different girls, that they pretend to date.

"We need to hang out."
But we won't.
"Wow, I had a great time, I'll call you okay?"
And she won't.
"We need to talk."
And that's never good.
"Hey, we'll still be friends."
And we never should,
Have started this fucking piece of shit motherfucking crap to begin with.

No, I haven't lost my mind, just my vocab.
What? You think I chose this path?
My fucking life is like Attack of the Killer Lesbians,
Filled with some of the greatest actresses.
Or some nights it's like meet "Miss Right" on the Woman show.

Behind door number one:
The ever so beautiful experimental bi-curious straight girl, with a long term boyfriend and it was HER who asked YOU out.
Behind door number two:
The elusive bisexual girl, who at first glance, you thought you had no chance, but she hit on you while standing next to the guy she just made out with.
And behind door number three:
Your standard issue L-U-G. Lesbian Until Graduation, my favorite conveniently located at your nearest all-girls college.
Smith, Simmons, Wellesley, wherever.

But oh wait, there's more.
Who's the lovely lady behind door number four?
Ah, your regular old lesbian,
Fully equipped with all the tricks of the trade,
Now this is what a lesbianÂ’s made of.
Doesn't care,
Doesn't call,
Wants everything from you,
Yet nothing at all.

So go ahead, take your pick, but I'm fucking done.
You girls can play your game because you've already won.
And for the record, please don't call.

I'm at work- yes the time is correct

I must have gotten into work late- right?

• Nope, been here since 8 am

I must have taken a big lunch break- right?

• Nope, I did actually leave the building to have lunch (something I dont do thaaaat often) with my friend Mike, but I felt really bad when I told my boss I was leaving and only spent like 30 min all told.

I really wanted to get to Ten Thousand Villages which closes at 7pm, so I left at 6 and now IM BACK!

On my way in I saw the doorman in his street clothes on his way home- he just politely chuckled at me.

How do you get in when the doorman has left you ask.

• This is something I am quite used to- you go next door to the apartment building and show them your ID card. I'm used to this since I was here on Sunday, yup Sunday.

Why I am working these ridiculous hours you ask.

• Because we have a grant due on Monday and I want to be able to take Friday off to go down to the dirty Jers and visit with my Batesy (you ready for me Bates? I'll probably be cracked out finals style!). So I will be here, at the office, working on entering in grant edits and making sure the endnotes are all in line- FUN STUFF!

But they did install my new PC today (the old one was over a decade old) and now I have speakers so I am having fun listening to everyone's myspace songs :). The only good thing about being in the office at ungodly hours- the head phones come off and the music is played out loud.

Moral of the story

• If you feel like entertaining me do so! My roommate is afraid we may not get home in time for Project Runway (it starts at 10 pm). We gonna be here for a while!

Some things that are on my mind

• Grants are stressful especially when you are only given a month
• I am sleepy, I am always sleepy. I think my mom is right, I think my reaction to stress is to fall asleep
• I just dropped my red G2 into the toilet at work- that sucks
• I need to finally decide that being single is best and stop letting my head get filled with girls
• I wish Lucy Diamond would take me away to her secret lair (I just bought D.E.B.S)
• I need to be better about e-mailing people- especially returning e-mails
• I need a new job- I need to be working in education
• I need to work on getting a new job and studying for and getting into grad school
• I can't work during the summer
• My hand is sore from falling on it
• When Claudia gets back from being away tonight I'm gonna have to stop walking around naked in the apartment
• I want to see the girls I think are cute
• 8 months is too long to go without sex
• Again, I need to stop thinking about girls

This post became too personal, but lets be honest it will be awhile before I post again so oh well.

A heavy moment

It is strange that I wrote that post yesterday.

After work I needed to get my hair off on my neck and had broken my hair elastic, so I decided to try French braiding it. I successfully French braided my hair for the first time ever and called my Lita to tell her the exciting news (I used to have her French braid my hair all the time when I was younger). She was happy for my and impressed at my new found ability. After chatting for a little bit she reminded me that tomorrow (now today) is the anniversary of my grandma Barbara's death.

Today last year I was with my family, holding my grandmother's hand and watching as her breathing got more and more labored.

She is the first person I ever really knew who has passed away. My grandpa Ben had died the year before and although it was sad I knew he had been suffering and he was just waiting for it to end. Grandpa Ben also lived in Mexico City since I was born and I had only been to visit him a few times, and only twice that I can actually remember.

A couple or a few (who can remember?) days after my grandma passed I was sitting in a funeral home listening to words she had written before her death being read. She wrote about me, about her impressions of me and about her regrets (did she use that word?) about not knowing me better. I sat with the congregation (is that the appropriate word?) and continued to mourn about the fact that I hadn't known her better.

In those last days of her life and the days that followed I learned a lot about my grandmother. I learned things that I wish I had taken the time to learn or notice while she was still alive. I realized through hearing other people talk about her that she had a lot of qualities that I admire and desire for myself. Most of all I learned that she was a very non-judgmental and easily accepting person, and that she held a very important place in the lives of all of the children she had taught. My grandmother continued to teach by helping my aunt in her classroom until the day her cancer caused her to be physically incapable of going on. My grandmother was almost 80 years old at that time. Also, did notice I said helping my aunt in her classroom. That's right, she had such a functional relationship with her daughter that she was able to go into her place of work daily and they worked side by side.

This is my grandma Barbara:

She is on the left with her eyes closed. This is at my college graduation in 2004. She was a beautiful woman. In their wedding pictures she and my grandpa look like some sort of celebrity couple.

I think I'm done now. I just wanted to take a moment to remember her.

My grandpa has an internet girlfriend and my grandma (lita) has a great sex life!

In a previous post I wrote a blurb about the fact that my grandpa (my father's dad) has a girlfriend. Back in April my mother informed me of this, saying that my grandfather unexpectedly announced his relationship during dinner one night. This rocked my world- my grandmother had only been dead for a little over 6 months, and I just had a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of my grandpa "dating". Apparently, this woman is the ex-wife of a friend of his and somehow they got back in contact with each other and decided that they didn't want to spend the last years of their lives alone.

This idea was still kind of hard for me to swallow, but I was accepting it, and then a couple of weeks ago my mom dropped another bomb. We were chatting about various topics, as we frequently do, and she mentioned that my grandpa's girlfriend was talking very seriously about moving in with him. I found this unsettling, but didn't even have time to react before my mom said, "We are trying to convince him that it's not a good idea since he hasn't seen her in 40 years." WAIT A MINUET....rewind.....WhAt??? Did she just say that? Confused and befuddled, I asked her what she meant. She went on to explain that the last time my grandfather had seen this woman was when she married a good friend of his 40 years ago. Somehow they re-established contact through the internet and had been communicating on-line and began to consider themselves a couple.

After my mom finished explaining I asked her why she had not told me this when she first told me about the girlfriend. She tried to convince me that she had, but we all know that's not true- a person could never forget being told that their 80-something grandfather had an internet girlfriend. In any case, my grandfather's internet girlfriend has been talking about selling her house and moving in with my grandpa. The family is trying to convince him that it is not a good idea. And you thought that girl who flew to Jordan to be with her myspace boyfriend was crazy....

...okay well maybe that's worse. But still!

On to more grandparent craziness. As you may or may not know, my Lita (my mother's mom) is currently undergoing therapy to reduce the amount of cancerous cells that have been found in her blood stream. She has already lived through her first bought of cancer- cervical, and is currently taking a new drug for survivors of cervical cancer whose cancer has returned. This new drug is currently in its testing phase and so my Lita is interviewed about her reactions to the medication during each of her medical visits.

I know this sounds depressing and morbid, but I promise it gets funny.

Not too long ago, at one of her appointments she was asked by the doctor, in front of my mother, how her sex life is. She responded by saying, "It's great." Now, let me explain something about my Lita, she lives at our home, where she has lived since I was 10, and before that she jumped around between relatives living with them. She was never officially divorced, but my grandfather left her before my mom had finished high school. Knowing this, my mother and the doctor sat there speechless, looking at her, not knowing how to react. She broke the uncomfortable silence by laughing and saying, "It's all in my head- it's great!" The next time she came in for an appointment and the same doctor smiled and asked about her sex life, she just smiled and responded, "You know."

So there ya have it, my grandpa actually has an internet girlfriend and my grandma has a great sex life in her mind.